It was 18th Jan 1997. Savitri passed away after a year long struggle with cancer. I had taken voluntary retirement from the army. Ironically those were probably my best moments with Savitri. It was as if I caught up with all the things I had missed out in twenty years of marriage. Twenty years and I had never before had the opportunity to fall in love with my wife. All my life I had traveled from army post to army post. She had been the pillar supporting all that I had. And all I had left by the end of it were her and Sandeep.
We did not inform Sandeep until she had gone away. In hindsight that was probably my biggest mistake. We did not want his engineering studies to get affected. That day he came back home to see his Aai in a white sheet. He just hugged her and sat there for hours. We never looked into each other's eyes. Did I not have the courage to do that? All my life I had only heard stories of my Sandeep. I was not part of any of them. I did not know his language. For days we sat at the same table. He never talked to me unless I asked him anything. Every time I tried, he shut himself away from me. Every night after he went to bed I would go to his room and have silent conversations. That was his last year in college. I eagerly waited for him to come back in the next vacation.
"Nana I am leaving for Chicago next month. I got into University of Chicago.", he said as soon as he came back from college one day.
I did not know what to say. So I said the next thing that came to my mind.
"Sandeep how can you do that? How can you betray your country like this? You can't leave India"
He left on 10th August 1999. Ten years had passed like ten million. I incarcerated my life in the memories of Savitri and Sandeep. The old boxes still had his old clothes and toys. I redecorated his room like I would have if I was around when he was a toddler or when he went to school. I had come to terms with my life. I just would not have Sandeep sitting next to me or sharing a drink with me or take me to a movie ever. The best I could do was recreate his existence when I did have a chance and not take it.
That day was different though. It was Savitri's birthday. I kept staring at the phone all day. Picked it up a hundred times to see if it was working. I canceled all my usual day chores. But it did not ring. It did not ring.
After a sleepless night, I convinced myself that everything was just the way it should be. I should be happy for him. For what tremendous success he had achieved in a foreign land. Something his father could never achieve. Seven gongs on the old wall clock. Time for my morning walk.
"Namaskar Malvankar Kaka", I heard Shalini's voice.
"Arey Shalini Beta. How are you?"
"I am doing good Kaka. We just got MRI machines for the clinic."
"I am so proud of you beta. You are working in your own country and helping us build our nation. Nahitar Aamcha Sandeep (Not like my son Sandeep)"
"Kaka! Thanks for the support. But whats wrong with what Sandeep is doing? I mean you should be proud. He is doing so great for himself in Chicago!"
"Whats wrong? He is doing good for a different country! The govt. spent so much money on his education in IIT and he abandoned our country like a traitor. How could he leave his country, his Nana...", I had not let myself talk about him with anyone since then. I could not talk to her after that. I just could not let myself open up the feelings that I had put away long time ago. I felt this sudden urge to talk to him. I had never asked for his number even when he wanted me to take it. I thought I could punish him by keeping distant. But who was I punishing?
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